It was very lonely today. It was very lonely last deployment, too, but I was at *my* house. It just feels weird being here. I know I live here now, but I wish I could just go home and be there until he comes back.
I found myself checking the phone constantly and not wanting to be more than a few feet away from it at any moment, just in case he calls or messages. I didn't send him a long email today because I know he doesn't have time to read them, much less respond.
His dad did message me and told me to ask Ty if he wants his dad to set up "scype" access for his change of command on Friday. I told him I'd ask, but I think he's too busy. I also think I'd kill him if he were able to see his dad's change of command, but not our baby being born.
I'm frustrated because I know he won't get to be there or be a part of it. The message won't go through fast enough, he'll be on mission, or they won't know where to take him because no one will have remembered to think about it over there. As bad as it may sound, I'd rather be in there alone with just the doctor and nurses than have my parents there. I don't want to have a child with them. I am grateful they're helping and having me stay here, but I would rather be married to and have my child with my husband. Tyler misses out on so much and if I'm not doing this with him, then I'd rather do it alone.
Neither Tyler, nor my mom, understands. I don't know why. I told them both that if I can't have Tyler there, then I don't want anyone. My mom agreed at one point, but I think she forgot. It just feels like they're trying to tell me I'm "wrong."
Sad is also how it feels. Lonely. Silent. Like I'm just wasting time for the next 354 days. I know I'm supposed to keep "living my life," but I don't want to. I want to wait because he is my life and there's nothing I want to do without him.
I need to finish the movie for the house and possibly plant a St. Joseph statue out there so it'll sell. I think I'll be less stressed once that house is sold. It's a great house, I don't know what the hold up is.
On another note... I bathed Puck yesterday and it was a lengthy process because I had to get into the tub with him. There are no detachable shower heads in this house, nor tubs that are easily accessible for washing a dog without being in the tub. So, I bathed him last night and we go outside today and he rolls in stuff almost immediately! I was so irritated. I got him in the pool to rinse him off and rubbed him with a dryer sheet when we got inside because I couldn't bathe him again already. I am foreseeing some issues when the baby is here.
I know I'm disjointed and depressing, but that's how I feel. Plus, it's not like anyone reads this anyhow. It's for Tyler, especially once the baby comes, and I doubt he'll get to see or read it even then. I will say it's much easier to be less lonely when others are around, but I did find myself more irritable. What's a girl to do?!
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