I got a "call" from Ty at around 0300. I had gone to bed at 0130, so I was quite surprised to be awoken an hour and a half later. Facetime didn't work -- nor has it since he left -- but it woke me up enough to "get online." We chatted for a minute or two about how he's moving to nights and he'll be busy all day, but that he'd write me an email and try call me today.
I made sure I kept my phone by me all day because I didn't want to miss his call. I also checked my email constantly because I wanted to read his email as soon as I got it.
I had to go pick up Puck's thyroid's medicine today. I called and had them fill it so I wouldn't have to wait for them to count out the pills. I decided to shower before I went to Petsmart. It took all my effort to get ready and muster the energy to get in the car and go. I got Puck ready, since I figured he'd enjoy a trip in the car and to doggie dreamland.
Despite the coolness of my car -- no sarcasm, for real -- and the AC being on full blast as cold as it could get, I was still having awesome hot flashes. Also turns out that I had to wait once I got there because there were a few people in front of me at the Banfield line. I eventually had to go sit on a bench cause standing does NOT work with my back and body right now.
After we got Puck's pills, we looked through the clearance bin for toys and found a bunch of the "cement bones" that he loves for $2.47 each! I grabbed four and got another bag of treats, since we were running a bit low. We came home and proceeded to watch more Veronica Mars.
I decided not to go in the pool today cause I'd showered and cause it was 1400 or 1500 when I got home and I like routine, which wouldn't gel if I got in the pool that late. I gave Puck one of his new bones and he was thrilled.
Needless to say, I didn't get an email or a call from Ty today. I was sad and disappointed, but not surprised. I know he's busy. He did get online around 2045 and we exchanged a few lines in the hour he was able to be online. Sadly, the internet kept freezing on him and Facetime froze his camera, so we didn't get much of any talking done.
I learned that he's tired and has a lot to do tomorrow. He sent a pic, but I never got it. I told him my folks would be back Thursday night and that Puck's doing well. He said he'd buy the better internet, but I don't think it'll be worth it. We need to save our money. I know communication will be crap this year, just like it was last year. It doesn't matter though. I can just video everything the baby does and he can watch it when he gets home or I can mail him dvds each month or something. I know he'll probably be a little bummed, but he'll be so busy he'll barely remember he has a daughter.
Our marriage is not of concern because it's just not. My sanity on the other hand, is really taking a beating. It's odd that I feel abandoned and alone despite knowing that it's not "his choice" to be gone. That doesn't mean that if they gave him a choice that he wouldn't go, I'm sure he would. He loves to be in the action. Loves the adrenaline. Loves "being there" for "his guys." And it is what he trains for... so he loves doing it.
He can't stand sitting at home and doing nothing (or relaxing, as I call it). He gets bored here and needs more of a thrill. So although I can 100% say that I would never get tired of our marriage, I am not entirely certain that he would feel the same. I think that's why he needs every other year off. Unfortunately, I cannot do "every other year." If it were just me and Puck (or multiple dogs), then I could do better and be stronger. But it's not. It's me and a baby that I have to take care of on my own that I wasn't "wanting" quite yet (if ever).
I say that because I never wanted to be in this situation. I never wanted to be alone for a year with a baby OR with my parents for a year with a baby. If I had a child, I wanted it to be with my husband. I am obviously not getting my way, but I'm fairly certain that I don't want to ever risk this again and can say therefore that I don't care to have anymore kids.
The emotional toll it takes doesn't help in the slightest. I feel like a broken record saying how hard this is and how down I am. I'm not missing Tyler and doing what I love and having the best time ever. I'm only missing Tyler. I'm only feeling terrible. There is absolutely no redeeming factor to this. I honestly worry that I'm going to feel worse after the baby and/or be a terrible mom.
Tyler tells me that he misses me and how hard it is, but it's not the same. He's someplace new. He's someplace where I shouldn't be. He's doing his job that he loves. He's doing what he has worked for for five or six years. He doesn't have time to think about me incessantly and feel this wretched.
My issue is that I have two options. I could tell him I'm fine and get help and medicine should I need it and just let him know when he comes home that I'm all doped up so I can make it day to day. Or I can try to let him know that this is not working so great and I may not be the same when he comes home. Neither is a good option. Neither is fair to him. There's nothing he can do. I live somewhere where there are people to "take care of me," so he couldn't come home regardless. I'm stuck for twelve months trying to sort this all out in my head. Luckily, we have great insurance, so I know that regardless of what I may need (in the future), I can get it! It's important to note that I say "in the future" because I'm fine-ish enough now. I think I can manage at least until the baby gets here, then hopefully God will play the hope card, as opposed to the despair card.
I want him to know because I think he should. However, I don't want him to know because if he has time to think about me, he may worry and that's not safe. He needs to stay focused. He needs to concentrate on the mission at hand, which is not me or his daughter or anything back home. He needs to pretend we're not here, but I couldn't make it if he did that. So where do we go?
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