Day 239: Anxiety

I'm developing some anxiety.  It's fairly general and most likely due to the thyroid meds, however, I am also having specific anxiety regarding Tyler's calls.

The past few times Tyler has called, I have missed it.  My phone didn't ring, I couldn't get to it in time, or I just didn't have my phone with me.  Usually, he would call back because last deployment, I would get all panicky when I'd miss a call, since they were so infrequent.  For the most part, when he would get a chance to call, this deployment, and I 'd miss it, he'd call back.  However, the past few that I've missed, he has not called back.

I seem to have missed his calls by seconds to a single minute.  Thus, I have then stopped whatever I am doing and just held my phone, staring at it, waiting for the "call back."  Unfortunately, as I said, there has been no second call.

My heart hammers in my chest, my breathing becomes shallow, and I fight the urge to scream and cry. Seconds tick by, then minutes, until, eventually, I realise he won't be calling again.  At that point, I become surly and on-edge.  I have missed a call.  I won't get to talk to him or hear his voice.  What if that's the last call I will get?  How could I be so stupid to put my phone down?  How could my phone not ring?  How come it didn't answer -- I was swiping my finger?!

I had my phone on, ringer up, in my hand all day long, just in case he called.  However, I accidentally left it at home when we went to dinner.  I was a basket case through dinner.  I checked my pockets repeatedly, along with my purse and the diaper bag.  How could I have put my phone down and not picked it back up?  What if he calls? What if I miss it?  What if... What if... What if...

I get home and search everywhere -- my dad finds it for me.  Luckily, he hasn't called and I haven't missed anything.  I carry it around as I get new water, as I draw Eisley's bath, as I change into shorts.  I take it with me when I bathe Eisley and when I get her ready for bed.  I put it on the bed, so it doesn't fall down into the chair where I won't be able to get to it, but I switch it to vibrate, so it doesn't make noise as she's trying to fall asleep.

Then when I miss a call and my moods are swinging hither and yon, I can't sleep and I crave sugar and carbs and everything unhealthy.  I try to eat myself into a state of calm, but it doesn't work because I'm not sleeping and anxious and food doesn't erase that.  To top it off, my back seizes up from the stress of it all and I get terrible headaches, which make my back tighten further.

Here is a pic of me and Eis, shortly before I missed a phone call from Tyler:

Fourteen minutes later, Eis is in her crib and I have race cars speeding through my veins.