They're all so different. Allison and Amanda both had to use fertility treatments, though Allison's worked after a short time and she now has a nine month old son. Amanda has been at it for over a year and still is not pregnant. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I got pregnant and had a child when I didn't even want one. Don't get me wrong, I love Eisley, but I can also picture my life if I hadn't had her.
Katie apparently became a "free spirit" and from some of her FB pics, she reminds me of my sister -- wild. She seemed into desert raves and cochella and such. She had tiny clothes and crazy hair, but apparently she got married, had an adorable little girl, and seems to be a great mom. Her photography skills are great, but her use of photoshop (or whatever program she uses) is what's most impressive. It gives her pictures an ethereal quality... though it doesn't hurt that she seems very free and lack inhibitions.
I suppose that's easy to do when you're comfortable with your body and you've grown up in a more relaxed household. I think I could take/be in the pics she's done, though I wouldn't feel comfortable with my parents seeing them, since they're so worried about what other people think and always giving their unsolicited opinions. I wish I were more carefree and had slightly more open-minded parents. They're very judgmental and I am not sure they realise it. When Eisley is a bit older, I will have to tell them to mind what they say because I don't want her judging or feeling bound by others ideas.
That's one of Katie's photos. It's just so striking and unique... beautiful, but not something I could do. I don't want to blame my parents for everything, but I think it must be their "fault" that I am somewhat the way I am... so careful, sheltered, and shy... I never do anything remotely wild or crazy or carefree. I don't think you can grow up and always hear lectures and speeches about every possible consequence of any move you could ever make and judgments of everyone and then be carefree. I suppose that's wrong because I could have gone the complete opposite way and be more like my sister, but with my brain, it just was not meant to be.
Anyway, Allison's blog is amusing, though workaday. Both she and Amanda are, and have always been, funny, but there's nothing extraordinary going on in their lives. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not writing anything extraordinary, nor even funny, but I also resist the urge to comment on their blogs, often.
For example, today, Allison wrote a "wish list" of sorts. Some things were vaguely plausible, while others were on the "occupy" level of outrageous, for example, having all her meals and grocery lists prepared by someone else for the rest of her life, or a free, live-in barista to make her frappuccinos whenever she wants. She invited others to comment and add their own wishes. Amanda wished to be pregnant and others wished for gardens, new wardrobes, for clothes to fit perfectly, for babies to change their own diapers, to live somewhere else, and to not have to do laundry.
I thought about adding my own wishes, however, my wishes aren't crazy things that could never happen or completely boring. I would wish for Tyler to be home (happy, whole, and healthy). I would wish for a solid year of health. And that's all that I would wish for...
However, if I really think and try to come up with wishes with which others could related, I would wish for a body with which I am comfortable... to have hair that always looked great... to have a job that I loved... though those are all things I could have with the proper amount of effort on my part. Wishing is hard. I don't want to spend time wishing for things that are unattainable, but I don't want to wish for things that are, either, because if it is attainable, I'd rather work toward that goal, than just wish for it.
... obviously I'm not a democrat!
I suppose I have things I pray for, instead of wish.
I don't comment on her blog because I don't want to make her feel bad for wishing for "pointless" things. I also don't want to come across like I want pity. Thus, I don't comment because inevitably one of those things would occur.
On a completely unrelated note, I talked with Tyler yesterday about what to do with my life. I am getting old and had that feeling of, "I haven't done anything with my life." I know Tyler cannot possibly relate because deploying three times to fight for your country IS doing something. Not only that, he has a career he loves and his life is grand.
You're probably thinking, "Ummm, Jennifer, if his life is grand, isn't yours grand, too? I mean, you share your lives with each other, right?"
Yes.
And no.
We are married, but we live two very separate lives -- especially right now! I have our child and am living with my parents. He (in essence) has no child and is living the Army life of missions, flying, crap food, and man-stuff. He can't talk to me about what he does and he can't relate to my topics of conversation. He'll be home soon, but the majority of his time is still spent with the Army and at work and I have very little way to relate to that.
I can and love to listen to him talk about what he does or vent about things, but I can't empathize. I can just listen and give my advice or opinion if he's interested in it. As for me, I have a degree that provides me a job that I don't much like or care about -- though I am excellent at it. I am decent at many things, but excellent at none. What I would like to do would require money put in before money could be made from it and I don't like the idea of doing that, should it not pan out.
Tyler suggests I write books, though I don't feel like I would be a good writer, as most of my writing is more along the stream-of-consciousness type of writing. I don't think that necessarily appeals to many audiences. I found the "book" I started writing in 2007 and I found it entertaining, though I wish I hadn't stopped writing because I was at a very different place in my life then and it's hard to get that voice back. I am not sure what the general public would think of it and I hate the idea of failure, which is why writing books of any variety seems so incredibly daunting.
What if I just can connect with any audience? Perhaps, it was the children's story I had to write in middle school that has me unnerved... it was total crap and I am well aware of it. I would like to think I could do better than 12 year old me could, but what if I can't? What if I'm destined to just be a great teacher and hate it...?
Pic of the day is Eis in her Ramones onesie. It's still a bit too big, but it was soft and she looked cute in it.
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