Day 52: Doctors

I'm 40 weeks on Wednesday.  Dr. A -- who left for vacation and didn't write any notes in my file -- won't be back until Friday, so I have seen Dr. K the past two weeks. So, despite her telling me she didn't want me to go past my due date, which she didn't write it down or tell anyone, I will be going back to the doctor next Monday.  Next Monday, when I'll be 2 days from 41 weeks, they'll decide if they want to induce.

Now, this is all only if I don't go into labor anytime before then.  I can go into labor any day... it's just a matter of waiting... or so I've been told for the past five visits. I'm still 1cm, but I am 70% effaced, which just leaves 30% and 9cm to go.

After we saw the OBs, we stopped by the mall because I am out of mascara.  Before we went in, we called Dr. E for an appointment to get a referral for the a spine doctor.  We figured it'd be easier to start that process now, as opposed to waiting until after I'd had the baby and trying to go.  She told me I was having a LOT of muscle spasms in my lower back (which must be why it feels like my bones hurt) and that she'd put in the referral.  She also said that a CS would probably be worse for my back, since they'd have to cut through the stomach muscles, which are integral for supporting your back, so that would essentially weaken my back further and for longer.

We came home and I laid down in bed, while mom headed out to go to Macy's and buy me a few more bras.  Oddly, though I had purchased a large previously, the large bras that I just ripped the tags off of feel smaller and tighter and thus, mildly uncomfortable.  Oops :(

I watched my Girl Who Kicked in A Hornet's Nest movie until Dad got home around 1300 or so.  He talked to me about what the doctors said and then went to go work on the puzzle.  After my movie finished -- about 1500 -- I decided to go out to the pool.  Dad came out about 15 minutes later.  We chatted until 1700 when we went in and Mom came home. I showered and washed my hair, while they unloaded groceries and started dinner.

I tried to use Netflix through the Wii, but after reconfiguring the internet, we couldn't figure out how to get volume to it... so, instead of having him try to fix it, I said I'd rather just take it to my room.  The Wii looks like crap on their tv, regardless.  I can't stand the small picture and terrible quality resolution -- I don't understand why it looks so bad... could be because their tv is old.  Mine is not, so I would rather have it in my room.

After dinner we watched some tv, then we watched The Social Network.  It was pretty good.  My back started hurting pretty soon after I laid down on the couch and eventually I had to sit up because my hip was aching so bad.

I did get to chat with Ty for a very little bit today.  He said his mission went well.  He has another one "today." He was sleepy and he had to wake up early, so I let him go.  My mom wanted me to make sure he knew that he didn't need to respond to her emails and that she just wanted to share how things are going here, but he apparently insists upon responding.  Hopefully, it will be a short response because she is concerned about using up his time when he has other things to do.

I've realized one of the things I dislike most about Ty being gone is having to suss out R&R and Homecoming.  I know last year he promised me that the next Homecoming would be parent-free and just us, but I know that won't happen.  It won't happen because eventually he'll tell his folks that he just wants to be with me and the baby during EML and to make it up, they'll be here for Homecoming.  It's not his fault.
I know it's selfish, but I don't want to share him with anyone.  Hell, I don't even want to share him with the baby!
However, I do know when we only get 14 days and each one is precious in and of itself, then I have to allot a chunk of days to Ty meeting and spending time with his new daughter, that we don't have time to entertain his dad.  It would be one thing if he came and rented a car, entertained himself, and were here to hang out when we could, but he wants Ty's full attention.  It's sweet, but I'm selfish.
I spend every waking and sleeping moment thinking about Ty, worrying about Ty, crying over Ty, writing this for Ty, being in the FRG and doing all its crap for Ty, and carrying my phone everywhere like it's a third hand to be ready at any moment when Ty can chat.  I don't understand how they can't talk to him daily while he's stateside, then cut all communication as soon as he deploys, but want to show up for EML and Homecoming.  I find it unfair (to me - selfish), but I think it hurts Ty that they don't contact him.  They're not too busy to send out an email every week or respond to his.  They don't ask me about him.
My parents ask every day if I've talked to Tyler and what he says, how he's doing, and if he needs anything from me or them.  My mom wants to write the newspaper about how crappy the internet is over there and try to rectify any injustice she feels he's having to "suffer."
I've always said I don't understand his relationship with his folks and I consider it very different to mine with my parents.  I don't even know if I have the full picture -- Tyler doesn't like to discuss it with me... maybe because it makes him sad? I don't know.
I see my relationship with my parents as a friendship and I am brutally honest with these friends, as they are with me.  We know what we say may hurt, but it's better that everyone know than be in the dark or be wasting time doing something the other doesn't want done. I feel like his family only discusses the more positive things and they're very sensitive to hurting one another, so they don't talk about things.  Or if one does have the courage to say anything, everyone ends up incredibly hurt and disappointed for a long time.  (Though I know I have a limited view)
Part of me thinks that it's just me they don't approve of or care for for some reason.  I don't know why.  I think I'm a great influence for Tyler, as he is for me; I am educated; I have the ability to have a great career in a variety of fields; I'm creative; I'm smart; I am incredibly capable of doing most things; I'm great with money; and I love Ty more than anyone could ever in their whole life combined.   But if I look at behavior patterns over Ty's deployments, I don't know what to think.
His first tour, they contact him and send him things, but he has to find someone (an ex-girlfriend) to pick him up for the Homecoming.  The next year, we get married without them present and hurt their feelings -- they contact him a bit less, they don't send a card for my birthday, they want to be here for EML, but come for Homecoming and stay with us at the house, instead.  This year, they haven't contacted at all, minus my asking them directly to do so, they did get me a bday present, and want to be here for EML and Homecoming (I assume).  
Part of me says that they assume I've got it "under control," but I'm not his parents.  He needs support from everyone, not just his wife.  I feel sad that I can't help and I feel sad that he doesn't talk to me about it.  All I can do is guess or assume things because I am not privy to what he thinks or says.  It's hard cause if I think something, he's lucky if he can shut me up.  I think so much and I know he does, too, but he doesn't share his thoughts (like men are known to not do).
I don't think he should get upset with me with I try to think, figure out, or understand things between him and his parents because it effects me, too.  It makes me so sad to think how he feels when they don't contact him. I get frustrated trying to figure out why. I try to keep my mouth shut because it's not my place, BUT I want to be there for Ty and support him, which I can't fully do if I'm blindfolded.  I'm very protective of Tyler, just as he is for me, and want him to be happy, like he wants for me.

I want to help, but I get "in trouble" if I broach the subject.  He hates it when I "help" cause he thinks I think he's too stupid to do it alone, but I help because I want to be there for him and I was taught that it's rude not to help.  I plan on teaching our daughter that it's rude not to offer help and to always be there for those you care about and that it has nothing to do with their abilities. I LOVE it when Tyler helps me cause it shows me he's looking out for me, paying attention to me, and that he cares about me.