I found my boat shoes today... in Heights. Yes, I made my mom drive all the way up there with me just to look for them. When I get preoccupied with something, I just have to follow through.
As we were getting home I got a text from Tyler. I texted back, but like normal, I didn't hear anything. Then as I pulled into the driveway, I got another text, but it was like 4 texts, so I jumped out of the car and left the driving/maneuvering up to my parents. I knew it was late for Tyler to be up, I figured he was exhausted, and I didn't think he'd have time/energy to chat more than a minute... if the net held up.
I jumped on my laptop, since I could tell he was on his computer. We chatted about the same ol' good stuff for a bit. But MY wifi pooped out for a minute, which prompted me to sit in the office with my laptop. It came back and we were able to continue our conversation.
It ended without him saying he loved me and signing off faster than I thought, so I didn't get to say it either. Obviously he was upset, but sometimes I want to have a conversation that is meaningful. I mean they're ALL meaningful and wonderful, but sometimes there's important things to discuss that can't wait a year and I hate emailing because it's not a conversation, but monologues back and forth.
I know he's stressed, but he'll tell me he's not, even if he's just emailed me earlier saying he's stressed to his limit and burned out. His commander wants him to pace himself, but the only pace he knows is 150%. He's going to get burned out and surly and moody, but his guys will never notice because I know he'll just show me that side, but if I say anything, then he will shut me out and just talk to his dad or a buddy. Then what purpose do I even serve? At least now he thinks of me as a calming zen to bring him back to center. But I'm only calming because I don't discuss matters of much importance.
It's hard to have a solid marriage if you have to go a full year discussing only weather and food or other similar topics. I also want to talk now because I know as soon as I have this baby that there will not be a whole lot of talking or discussions of any type. It takes two hands to breastfeed, plus boobs. I'll be on a terrible schedule... not nights, not days, just 2.5 hour increments. I'll be exhausted and undoubtedly miss texts or calls because I'll be busy with the baby, sleeping, or have just left my phone somewhere and probably on vibrate so the noise doesn't wake the baby.
It'll be like when I started working from being on summer break... but worse. Then I could at least always have the computer on/near me and find a moment to chat. Regardless of anything, I just felt beat down and like poo after Ty went to sleep today.
Caution: Whingeing ahead...
I came into my room and was just tired. I am tired of feeling like 3rd place. It's strange because I hear how much he says he thinks of me and how much he loves me, but at the same time, I know if he had the CHOCIE to deploy or not, that he'd go. I know he works his ass off for his guys, the company, and the battalion/brigade and I feel that it comes at the expense of our family. I know he says he works hard for us, but there comes a point where working 100x harder than necessary no longer yields the benefits that the efforts take. Eventually, I'm left with tired, hungry, stressed, and irritable Tyler, as everyone/everything else has taken the optimism, happiness, humor, and light from him. Plus, there is no way to put that much effort and love into something and still have enough left to do what he wants to do for me. I don't want much -- I just want a calm, happy, relaxed, and genuine Tyler (not Ty who pretends to be calm/happy/relaxed). I want to laugh with him and not have him stressed and peevish.
I'm tired of the communication problems. Both being unable to discuss things of eventual significance, as well as internet and connection issues. I think it'd be better to go to AL for the CCC because we'd have more money, it's a lower cost of living, he'll be able to unwind more, he'll hopefully have free time where he can see me and the baby (and his friends). Whereas, if we were in VA, he'd be studying more, the cost of living is higher, we'd make less money, he'd have less time to spend with us, but we'd be closer to his folks and he may get more out of the course. It also depends on when both begin. Would we have to spend months in TX waiting for them to pick someone to replace Tyler and screw us over on a course date... again?
I'm tired of having to guess and assume all the time because I can't ask; I can't get an answer; I can't get in touch; I'm just not allowed to know; I am ignored.
I'm tired of pretending to be a good army wife. I'm not a good army wife. I'm a cantankerous army wife and I hate inefficiency and when stuff is wrong, then I have to spend time trying to get it fixed, but am totally ignored. But if I don't try, then I get "in trouble." I hate knowing that Ty's future position could actually be determined by how compliant and obedient I am. I am neither compliant or obedient and it's like part of my job description to be both, regardless of what my job is!
I'm tired of feeling alone. I wish I could count the awake hours that I get to spend with Tyler in a non-deployed year. Granted, it's more than this year, but it's still not many. I can see the benefit of sending him off for weeks of training in a position he won't even have while deployed.... sarcasm.
I'm tired of him never actually having time off. He'll be on vacation, but still takes calls, still makes calls, still is there to do whatever needs to be done. There is supposed to be someone who does that for him so he can have vacation. I don't know if they don't do it or if he doesn't trust anyone to do it or he just likes to do it, but it ties back in with my feeling alone and being 3rd place. Things may be messed up when he gets back, but he can teach someone how to fix it and make them do it. He should use his people and make them learn how to do their jobs because he don't get paid enough to do everyone's. He learned because he was forced to do it and do it right. If it messes up, then he'll get told off and he can go tell off his screw-up, so they learn from their mistake. I don't like feeling like I'm not important enough to put down the phone. It's like I'm so boring that on the years that he can't escape me, he has to be entertained by other things/people and me. I feel very inadequate.
I'm tired of being told not to stress or worry. I can't help it. It's in my nature. I think about everything. I try not to think about things too far in the future anymore because there's always some hoop to jump through or some wall to get in my way and I learned that I can't plan on anything in the army. I guarantee 1st Cav won't get two years home before deploying again. They said that last time. They said we'd go to the career course. They said they wouldn't have Ty take over A Co. But NONE of it was true. They deployed after one year. Ty didn't go to the career course. Ty is commander of A Co.
I'm tired of not feeling married. I'm 28 and about to have a child and I'm living with my parents! How much more of a delinquent teenager can I be? I'm on my third year of marriage and I've been with my husband for 10 1/2 months. I have to spend every other year getting to know him and figuring out what, if anything, is different and how to best react/respond. I can't even imagine what it's like for him. It's like I've adopted a child while he's away and he has to jump into a role of "father of a one year old." No, he doesn't get to watch the videos of her "firsts" because there's not time. No, he can't decide on how to do anything because his wife already had to do that while he was gone. No, they'll probably both get fussy if he tries to change their routine. He steps back and thinks, "My, isn't she self-sufficient?! I'm so impressed." Until he starts to feel like we don't need him.
I'm tired of wondering if making a military relationship work is just giving up. Do I give up my hopes/dreams, opinions/thoughts, sense of who I am? Does he give up his desire to succeed, his sense of self, hopes/dreams, opinions/thoughts? Sadly, it makes sense why it's so hard for military relationships to succeed. The soldier becomes addicted to war and the relationship with his guys, while the wife becomes more independent and they wonder why the other person is even there. He doesn't need me because there's no way I can be what he needs and he can't be what I need because I need someone to be here, need me, want me, love me, and show me.
I wonder if he truly thinks about me often or just when he gets back to his tent before bed. Does he feel obligated to talk to me? Does he listen to what I say or is the drone of my voice soothing? Does he truly need me? Does he think about what he'd do if something happened to me? Does he wish things were different? Does he think of ways to show me I'm not 3rd, not alone, am married, that I do matter, that I will stress, that our relationship will work?
Every time he deploys and leaves, my life is on hold. It's on hold regardless of what he says or where he is. It's on hold because I don't want to live life fully without him. It's on hold because I love him more than anything, which is why I settle for being 3rd, feeling alone, like I don't matter and am not married. But these feelings compound and amplify every time he leaves and eventually I won't be able to keep them from crushing me and becoming some empty drone of a person. Is there truly a way he can show me that I mean something to him and that he can't live without me? Not that I'm aware of...
I show my love and that he's my number one by feeling what I do... by being his number 3... by talking about weather, food, and what I can send him... by making sure he knows that I will wait faithfully and patiently year after year for him, regardless of how it all makes me feel.
I just hope he is willing to stay forever married to his eventually burned out, empty wife who has to feel nothing to protect herself from feeling too much.
I don't blame him for it (save for the love of deploying -- that's 100% his fault), but because he's a male, he never tells me what he feels. Saying "I love you" eventually feels rote and less meaningful when that's the only "feeling" he ever expresses or it's said with no context. There needs to be another phrase to use during those mindless times, so "I love you" can gain back some heart and credibility. Again, not his fault. I do it, too. When there's not much you can say, you just say the one thing left and you have to leave it at that... I love you.
I don't want him to feel guilty or bad if he reads this. But I have to get out my thoughts so they stop eating away at my brain. And perhaps, since we can't talk about these things, then he'll be able to think about my monologue without pressure to respond, as in email. As I said, it's not his fault and there seems to be nothing he can do... it's just a cycle in which we're destined to be and he needn't be caught unaware.
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