Day 108: Dr. Worthless

I'm not sure who called the guy I saw today a "spine doctor" because he was not.  He is a neurosurgeon.  I knew this, but I assumed (stupidly) that that just meant he had more insight to what could be wrong with my back and would be of more help.

Stupid stupid stupid.

They called me this morning and told me he'd not yet begun his surgery and my appointment would need to be pushed back to noon.  That messed up my schedule with Eisley a bit, but I tried to make it work as best as I could.

The irritating part was that throughout the visit with Dr. H, my mom didn't realize how much NOHELP he was, as far as me and my back were concerned.  He kept talking about how he doesn't think surgery is a great idea -- no shit, I don't want any -- and how it's important to get second opinions, it doesn't seem likely that I have substantial degeneration in my cervical or thoracic spine, though he doesn't have the MRIs from 2009 to refer to...  My mom kept asking him about the injections I was getting prior to the pregnancy, which, of course, he had very little opinion of because he only deals with surgery.

I wanted to leave because I felt like my time, at the moment, and for the previous two months had been wasted (that's how long I spent waiting/trying to get an appointment).  He said he'd order some X-rays to see if my fusion took and asked if I wanted to be called or come in and I said I preferred to be called because it's easier with the baby.  Then my mom opened her mouth and said, "I can watch her." I wanted to say, "Shut-the-Hell-up!" but was left to say, "Well... ummm... I suppose..." while thinking, "You clueless loon. Why can't you be on the same page as me and understand that this is a waste of my time?!"

I left extremely irritated with Dr. P for recommending him, with Dr. E for telling me how great he is, with my mom for being thick, and for the fact that I had wasted two months.  I wanted to cry and kick and scream, but I have to appear composed, so I didn't.  I did, however, call and make an appointment to see Dr. E tomorrow afternoon so I can get a referral to something that will be helpful.

I plan on explaining to her that I need to know what is wrong with my back. I don't want surgery. I want someone to LOOK at it and see what can be done.  I also want a referral to Dr. McDavid back in Temple because he was the best and I know it'll take a while to get this sorted out.  I'll undoubtedly be moving before anything helpful can occur as far as looking into my back.

Thanks Dr. H for stating the blindingly obvious that I'm "a little young" to have such problems.  Yeah, great, but that doesn't mean there are no problems. Stupid.

I'm so angry.  I'm too sleep deprived to deal with such irritations because I can't just say, "Yeah, well that was a bust... What's next?"  I stress out and can't cope properly and I get headaches from trying to contain the rampaging emotions in attempts to appear calm and only mildly irked.

I am also hating all this body fat. I need it gone gone gone.  I need it gone now.  I can't stand to sit down because my tummy creases and skin touches skin. It's gross and makes me hot.  Not to mention the fact that I can't fit in anything and I'm tired of looking frumpy all the time.

All in all, not a good day.  I need to calm down.