Day 103: Marathon

Wow.  Wow!  All I can say is, "Wow!"  (Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels)

So I slept for what felt like NO HOURS last night.  Really, it was four.  But sheesh...

Here's how Eisley slept: S=sleep; A=awake

S 2300 - 0130
A 0130 - 0345
S 0345 - 0400
A 0400 - 0430
S 0430 - 0432
A 0432 - 0630
S 0630 - 0830
A most of the rest of the day...

I slept from midnight to 0130, then six minutes before she awoke at 0400, and then the two hours at the end.

It was a rough night.  She wasn't crying for all of it, but she was a-freaking-wake, which was enough to almost send me over the edge.  I swear that if I could have found a gypsy, she'd be gone.  It's tempting to sell her with the house... or just give them both away.

So, not only did she not sleep last night, but she hasn't slept much today.  I've stupidly spent the past two hours trying to get her down cause I stupidly thought she may be tired!  Apparently not!  She wants me to die.  She's mean and sadistic and hateful.  Despite the fact that I feed her, change her diapers CONSTANTLY, and do everything else, she wishes me dead.

There's no other explanation or reason to be that mean to someone.  Sleep deprivation is a form of torture -- literally.  I can only hope she tortures Tyler as much as she's tortured me thus far.

Unfortunately, it's really hard to be sympathetic and caring when filled with rage because you can't sleep.  Not only do I not get to sleep, but it's reached the point (again) to where it's DIFFICULT to fall asleep when I have the chance cause I keep thinking this little monster is going to make me get up.  I try to hold her close, swing her, take deep breaths, pray, and think of Tyler because if I don't, I feel like the lunatic part of me (dying to come out and take over) will smash through the window and fling her into the woods.

Then I think, "Well, I'd never really do that."  Of course not and for many reasons: I'd get in trouble and probably go to jail or insane prison; Tyler would be really mad at me (probably forever); she'd probably keep crying once outside and I still wouldn't be able to sleep... I'd have to put her in the car (it's cool enough at night).  However, as most moms who are so painfully sleep deprived and on edge, the thoughts do dance through my head.  Terrible, I know.

I can pretty much assure myself that the only people who would think it ghastly for me to even utter such words and entertain such thoughts are judgmental jerks who've never pushed out a baby, then not slept in weeks, and are subjected to a continuous loop of very LOUD crying.  It's like being kidnapped and tortured... you can't help but occasionally wish ill upon your captor.

If she'd quit waiting to go to the bathroom once she had a clean diaper on, then it'd be a bit easier.  But noooOOOOooo. She cannot even fathom peeing AND pooping in the same diaper!  That's crazy-talk.  And peeing all her pee at once?  Never!!! She must pee some in one diaper, then scream until I change it and then pee the rest in the next 2-3 diapers.

I am so frustrated and filled with anger that she can't just go the fuck to sleep!

I stand by my not wanting kids quite strongly at this juncture.