I had a few two hour stretches of sleep last night. But after the 0630 feeding, I wanted to sleep longer. I knew she'd sleep if I put her in the swing, which I don't like doing because I want her to be able to sleep in her crib/bassinet and not just in a swing.
However, I was sleepy, so I put her in the swing and laid on the couch because I knew she'd scream if I went back to my bed. My plan was to wait until she fell asleep, then go to my bed, but I apparently fell asleep on the couch.
I woke up when my dad came out of his room. I woke up when the phone rang. I woke up when he made coffee. I woke up when he left for golf. I woke up when I was totally uncomfortable. I woke up and stayed up when I was tired to trying to sleep on the couch.
Most of my day took place in the living room in the recliner. Very boring, yes.
I found out that foreclosure is not an option for the house because if we foreclosed, then it would apparently ruin all of Tyler's options for anything he wants to do in the next seven years. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of, honestly. The coast guard not taking someone because the military made them move and they couldn't sell their house and the payments were ruining ..... shoot, I can't think when she cries nonstop...
She's wearing these jammies that zip from the top middle down one leg to the foot. However, it's the biggest pain in the ass when it comes to changing diapers. I have to upzip the whole thing, then take that leg out (easy enough), but then get her to bring her other foot to her chest so I can try to pull it out of the pantleg. It's idiotic... especially considering she pees every 8 minutes for hours on end after she eats... maybe not hours on end, but long enough to last until the next feeding and do it all over again.
It's highly likely I'll have hearing damage by the end of this year. I have started playing music on my phone through headphones and I have to have it SO LOUD to make it to where I can't hear her. But I have to drown her out because she stresses me out. I know this because I feel my traps harden into rocks when she cries, then pees, then cries, then poops, then cries, then cries, then pees, then pees, then pees, then pees, then eats, and then cries instead of sleeping.
And because she pees so frucking often, I have to check her and can't let her just cry for ten minutes straight. It's really the most irritating thing imaginable. I don't like listening to music this loud... in my ears.
I don't like being so irritable. I need to take up boxing or karate or something where I can hit stuff. I don't like knowing that I will never ever again be fully in control of my life. My days of doing what I wanted are long gone. I feel like a suitcase... a beat up suitcase. Just dragging along going wherever I'm taken.
Holy crap, shut up, baby. She's not dirty. She is sweaty-ish. I don't know if it's those stupid pajamas -- of which we have three pair, damnit -- or if she's sick. I really should figure out how to use that thermometer.
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I keep thinking about my thyroid. I apparently need to have the other half removed. It's also highly recommended that I have the radioactive iodine treatment. However, I will not do the iodine until Eisley is done breastfeeding (ideally a year). The surgery won't affect her, so I can do that whenever. I was told I would have to stay the night in the hospital because it's a bit more invasive of a surgery, as they have to remove the lymphs that are around the thyroid and it has to be done under general because they have to monitor for nerve damage.
Wouldn't it just beat all if something happened and I was either horse or unable to talk forever. I guess that would ruin my teaching career. I'd have to figure out something else I could do cause there's no way we can just do one salary with a child and a house payment (whether renting or not). I suppose if we eat spam and bread and never go anywhere, then it's possible. But I don't want to live like that. I never have and I don't want to start.
The doc wants to do the surgery within the next six months. Ty said he wants to be here for it. I don't think we'll have enough time after he redeploys home -- it'll just be too stressful. I can't recover from surgery and pack and move and take care of a baby.
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I learned why Ty always worries/thinks I think he's "too stupid" to _________ (insert anything here). I talked to Michelle about this and she said it's her fault. She said he's always seen his dad try to do something and Michelle has to take over because he can't finish it without her help. Her words were a bit more harsh. I wonder what she genuinely thinks of Tim. She told me, "He's an idiot," too many times to count. I certainly don't think Tyler is dumb, stupid, or an idiot. I couldn't marry or even date someone who I thought wasn't at least as smart as me. I have told him that tons of times, but it's a deep-seeded insecurity, I guess.
That's unfortunate that Ty feels that way at times. We are not his parents. I am not Michelle. He is not Tim. I don't think of him as inferior in anyway. Sure, I get irritated at him and occasionally wish he'd do things differently, but it's because we're different people and I'm extremely particular and set in my ways... doesn't mean he's wrong or dumb. It means he needs to do things my way -- kidding -- it means I need to be more open about certain things.
I somehow thought about this while thinking of my thyroid, but now I can't think of anything because Eisley has officially cried waaaaay too long. Something better be wrong to warrant this kind of crying.
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