Today was nice and cool, though extremely windy. I decided to take Eis for a walk around the street, but as soon as I picked her up and got outside, I got a text from Ty.
I came in because Eisley was fussing and it was too much trouble to try to walk and text. He didn't tell me that he was talking to James, so our conversation was a bit short. When he did mention that he was talking to James, he tried to tell me funny things James had said, but I didn't understand the comments or why they were funny.
I got incredibly irritated. Eisley was asleep and my dad would be home in a matter of hours. If I waited to walk until Eisley woke up, then I'd have to nurse her once she woke up, then wait to change about three diapers. By then, my dad would be home and I didn't want to walk once he was back.
I am not sure if that is what irritated me or the fact that, again, timing was terrible, coupled with the fact that he was talking to someone else. I don't care who he talks to and I like that he talks to other people, but I don't like having such monotonous conversations with him, which is what seems to happen.
I gave up asking about mission details because I am often told that he can't tell me. I ask the same questions every time: how was the mission, what'd you do today, what'd you eat, how's the weather, etc. He asks how my day is going. I don't do much and what I do do, I write here.
We can't talk about anything of substance because he's either too tired or the net dies or we get irritated because communication is difficult. I don't even want to try a conversation of importance because it's irritating enough asking him how his day went three times before I get an answer.
I suppose I'm jealous that he can talk and laugh with other people.
I feel like a single mother. A married, single mother. It makes me wonder what on earth things will be like when Tyler gets home. Every other year we become somewhat different people and every other year we have to get to know each other again. If I really think about it and try, I can recall memories with Tyler, but it's like recalling memories of anyone... which I don't like. I want to feel more when I remember. But I also think that I shouldn't have to try to remember. I feel like I should always be thinking about him and remember our time together.
Maybe it's because I spend all my time taking care of Eis that I don't think about Tyler.
We don't talk about anything now. When he gets home, it's months before he's... normal? We will be moving wherever his job takes us. He'll be starting school. He'll be figuring out where he wants to go next. He'll be a dad to a one year old child. That's a lot to adjust to... not to mention, having to readjust to me, too.
He gets so angry with me all the time. He loves me when he's away because he forgets how much I irritate him. How much will I irritate him now that I will be set in my ways with my daughter? We have never had to move or choose where to live. How will I adjust to having no help and my parents not here to take care of Eisley? Wherever we go will be someplace totally new for me.
What if each deployment, I feel less connected to Tyler? How many deployments can we make it through? We are totally backwards in our feelings. He needs me gone to love me and I need him here to feel close. What if he likes me less this coming year (at home) than he did last? That's worrying because he didn't like me very much this past year...
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I can't even reread what I've written to see if my grammar is correct. I am being bombarded with screaming and an audiobook (as the talking slightly helps Eis fall asleep).
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