T-Minus Three Days

He's at work dealing with some last minute-esque things today.  We returned home from our last (four-day) weekend last night and I'm hoping he'll be home in the next couple hours.
I don't really know what to say because I don't want to say anything... He's leaving. For a year. Twelve whole months... again.

I need to pack up the rest of the house, get it sold, then have and raise a baby.  I know I'm not the only one whose husband is deploying or even the first to have a baby while her husband is deployed.  But it is my first child and he won't even get to be here when it's born.  He'll meet our daughter when she's around seven months old.  Then he'll come back when she's around 10 months old.  We are doing what I never wanted to do...

I always figured we'd have kids after he was done deploying (completely) and if that never happened, then we'd just have a bunch of dogs. I was fine with the potential to never have kids, but if I did have kids, I was wanting a surrogate or to adopt.  Apparently God didn't agree with my ideas and thought He should surprise us (back in November).

I'm sad, not because I'm having a baby, but because I never wanted to have a baby by myself or with my (exceptionally wonderful) parents -- I wanted to have a baby with my husband.  He's going to make the best father imaginable, but I have to flounder around for 10 months before I get to see that.
He has to miss the first everything.  Of course I'll try to get it on video, but how is that even close to the same for someone who so desperately wants to physically be there.  It's almost cruel that he'll be so far away.

Yes, there is Skype.  But $100/person to access spotty internet in a 10-man tent and to share that internet connection with who knows how many people... seems pointless. There was "decent" internet in Iraq last time and he still looked like giant camo-colored pixels 90% of the time.  Or he can always wait in line at the MWR tent for some internet time, but when will he have enough free time to do that?  He had to work to find time to call me once a week last deployment.  Perhaps commanding a company, instead of commanding a company and flying with a second company will give him more time...

I'm just angry and frustrated and, of course, painfully sad.  Friday will be here all too soon.